


Reflections 3: Compassion and Loss

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance, Series: One Ray Two Ray Old Ray New Ray: Episode Related, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-10-31
Updated: 1999-10-31
Packaged: 2018-11-10 12:33:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11127075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Fraser and Vecchio take a moment for themselves in the chaos of reunion.This story is a sequel toThat Was the Last Guy's Name.





	Reflections 3: Compassion and Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

This story is slash, containing characters who (sadly) do not belong to me and both happen to be men who want to have sex with each other. I'm not writing this for any gain other than my own personal amusement. Rating - NC-17 for plenty of sex.

Special thanks to Misha who came to my rescue when I couldn't find my tape of "Call of the Wild." This wouldn't exist without her.

Here it is, part fifteen in the "One Ray, Two Ray, Old Ray, New Ray" (with all due deference to Dr. Suess) which has something in it to please or offend everyone, including Fraser/Kowalski pairings, Fraser/Vecchio, and even Vecchio/Kowalski. You have been warned. 

This is part two of a four story arc that takes place during the final episode, "Call of the Wild." All previous stories archived at http://www.frontierz.com/socket

Permission granted to archive at Witnesslist, and any and all other Due South archives. Any others, please let me know first.

any comments, suggestions, or complaints can be sent to me at

"Reflections 3: Compassion and Loss"

Pt 2: Call of the Wild Cycle

Barbara J. Webb

From a desk in the squad-room of the 27th precinct, 4:33 am:

Lookit him over there, all smug and happy, sitting at my desk - his desk - my desk an doing work like he belongs here - which he does because he does an he was here first. But I was here too. Don't know who I am, who I was - just a placeholder, maybe, a Vecchio substitute, Vecchio light - all my friends, Huey, Dewey, Welsh - Frannie who was like my sister, Dief who was like my dog - Fraser....

But I knew this had to happen, would happen, would come. Just how come it has to be now, when everything is so good with me, with the job, with Fraser....

Fraser'll go back to him, cause Fraser always loved him from the beginning and me, I was just along for the ride. Or maybe he won't. Maybe now he likes me better. Yeah, right, Kowalski, and maybe you'll get drafted to play first string for the Bulls. An he's just sitting over there, like he's got a job or something. Like I've got a job or something. Cause while he was a mafia guy and I was him, no one was me and I don't know who to go back to being cause there hasn't been anyone being me. 

He's gonna take Fraser away. Gonna take him away from me. Gonna take him away.

From another desk in the squad-room of the 27th precinct, 4:45 am:

Strange to be sitting here, at my own desk in my own precinct. All so sudden, so unexpected - still hasn't sunk in. Probably won't for a while. Which is good - I still gotta be Armando for a while yet, so I shouldn't get too comfortable with being Ray Vecchio again just yet.

Comfortable. Right. Why do I feel so much like a stranger in my own life? Nothing's changed here. 

Maybe that's it. Nothing's changed. New guy, same name, seems to be able to keep everything going just as well as the real me. Even Fraser -

No, don't go there, Vecchio. Still got work to do here; can't start obsessing about the Mountie just yet. 

Poor Kowalski. I feel for the kid - I really do, but it's not my fault if he fucked up his own life so he doesn't want to go back to it. I like my life just fine, and I'm taking it back. Tough break, but that's what is.

From the Canadian Consulate, 04:48:

Ray. Ray is back. Ray Vecchio, the real Ray Vecchio is back and I may be leaving to go to Canada. Bad timing, all of it. First he left, now I may be leaving.

Ray, my partner, my friend, my love. I have to talk to him, have to tell him. Last time he left without giving me a chance to tell him. That won't happen again. Not again. I have to tell him, tell him how I feel, what I felt, everything.

There's not time, but I have to make time. We have to make time. I won't let him get away again without telling him.

"It's open," Ray called after the knock on his bedroom door. Dief looked up from where his head had been resting on Ray's lap, grinned his wolf-grin. "Hi, Benny." Ray's smile echoed Dief's as the door opened to admit Fraser. 

"Hello, Ray." Fraser stood in the doorway, running his fingers back and forth idly along the brim of his hat, clenched tightly in his other hand.

Ray pushed up off the floor where he'd been going through a box of old pictures, ignoring Dief's whine of protest as his spot was disturbed. The box he shoved back under the bed where it had been stashed. "You gonna come in?"

"We finished all we could to at the Consulate. There was nothing left to do but wait. I went by the precinct, but they said you had already left - gone home." During the entire course of the unasked for explanation, Fraser's eyes didn't once lift from his hat. 

Nervous - Fraser was nervous. Something had changed after all, and Ray didn't like that change at all. He took a step towards Fraser, then another, trying to get Fraser to look at him. "What is it? What's wrong?"

But when he came close, instead of answering, Fraser grabbed Ray's shoulders and pulled him close, intercepting Ray's mouth - open with shock - with his own. Convinced that there was no more attention forthcoming from the humans, Dief padded past his friends and out of the room towards Frannie's door. "Ray," Fraser murmured against the detective's lips, "Ray, Ray."

"Shh." Not that he really wanted Fraser to be silent - it had the feel of something out of a dream for Fraser to be moaning his name while Fraser's warm, strong hands roamed down his arms and over his back, his ass, and Fraser's tongue warred with his own. But there was something desperate - almost heartbreaking in the tone of Fraser's voice, and Ray didn't want to hear that, didn't want to think about memories of loneliness and loss that voice reminded him of.

Instead, he pulled Fraser back to the bed, kicking his door closed in the process. Words, feelings, thoughts pounded behind his eyes, but Ray couldn't vocalize anything. His hands sought the buttons of Fraser's shirt; his mouth kept hold of Fraser's; his thighs locked around Fraser's hips, holding him there. 

As Fraser matched the passion of his kisses, sent his hands under Ray's shirt in their own exploration, Ray's throat was once again able to bring forth sound. "Benny...Benny...I've missed you so much...wanted you so much...." Every desire, stray thought, fantasy that had gone through Ray's head over the last few years was trying to make itself known, trying to convince Ray to listen to it.

"As have I, Ray." Even half-drunk with desire, Fraser still sounded like a Mountie. Ray had no idea how he managed that - this was certainly un-Mountie-like behavior, twisting half-naked on a bed with one of Chicago's finest. But it did seem to be Fraser's habit these days.

Fraser's habit. Vecchio had to wonder just where the kid was right now. Did he have any idea where Fraser was? Surely Fraser, of all people, wouldn't sneak around behind Kowalski's back - Ray could almost visualize Fraser saying to his doppleganger, in that perky, matter-of-fact way he had that he was going to go have sex with the Real Ray Vecchio. Or maybe he didn't say anything, just left Ray...Stanley working at the station. Was Vecchio already, with his mere presence, corrupting Fraser?

Too late now to worry about it, with Fraser's lips fastening onto his collarbone, Fraser's tongue flashing against the hollow of his throat \- there was an upside after all of this obsession Fraser had with tasting everything. He arched his head back, his breath catching in his throat as Fraser's thumbs circled around his nipples, brushing just enough against the erect nubs to send electric sparks straight down from his chest to his dick. Then Fraser's mouth was there, the sharpness of teeth, the hot slick caress of tongue. This was not his polite, reserved Mountie \- this was some sort of northern animal fighting its way free of the veneer of civilization that had only barely held it in check. This was not the sweet, gentle, innocent Fraser Ray had always tried so hard to protect.

"God, Benny, why...why didn't you ever say anything, ever tell me?"

Fraser's hands against his sides burned, his breath sent tremors through the skin of Ray's chest as it skated across. "I thought there would be time. I thought - I was wrong, Ray. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's okay." Right now, Ray could have forgiven Fraser anything. His Fraser, his Mountie, his love - then, now, always. "Not your fault. I should have...." Ray didn't know what he should have done, only that it should have been something. No time. Their time had been taken from them by the accident of fate that had forced Ray to become Armando Langoustini. And now....

Now....

Now Ray was going to take time - these short few hours before their time would be taken from them once more. Right now, Fraser was his and damned if Ray was going to let anything stop him from taking this time for himself and for Fraser and for everything that had always been there between them.

When had they become naked, wrapped together, skin touching skin? It was all a blur for Ray, moving so fast, too fast. His fingers trailed across Fraser's back, learning every curve, every crease, committing it all to memory. He had to sear this into his mind, had to burn this memory in so well that no matter what happened after, he would always have this.

Then Fraser was pushing into him, and thinking became impossible. It was all sensation, lust, power and eroticism, all entwined - he and Fraser were entwined - thrusting and moaning, and it was more than Ray could bear. All this time alone, needing, remembering, wanting-

He bit at Fraser's shoulder as he came. The thick door did wonders to muffle sound, but if he'd made the amount of noise threatening to come from his lungs it would rouse the entire house. He could feel Fraser pulse inside him, Fraser's muscles clench, his body tense. "Ray," he hissed into Vecchio's ear, "Ray, Ray, Ray."

"I'm here, Benny. I'm here." With gentle fingers, he stroked back Fraser's silky hair as they both lay fighting to bring their breathing back under control. "It's okay. It's all going to be okay."

"I love you." Ray's chest tightened and it was difficult to breathe again, but Fraser kept speaking. "I was afraid I'd never be able to tell you that. If anything had happened to you - it was hard, not knowing, not being there to protect you."

Ray knew that feeling perfectly well. "I did okay." He wasn't ready yet to let go of Fraser, but that seemed to suit the Mountie. They had found a comfortable position, still wrapped together, Fraser's head on Ray's chest, Ray's arms circling him. "But I missed you lots." 

"As did I." Fraser's hand was moving in slow circles across Ray's thigh, warm, soothing, comfortable. 

The last thing Ray wanted was to have to become Armando Langoustini again, even for a short while. He didn't want to have been Armando, to have had to touch that part of himself. More than anything, he wanted it to be like it had been before, only like this, together.

Armando was a darkness, an ugly scab on his soul. Armando had played hard with the bad guys, had done thing Ray Vecchio would never have done, had killed an innocent. He could sugar-coat it any way he liked, dress it up, hide it, but that didn't change the truth. True, he'd done these things to protect his own; yes, he'd had to keep his cover; no, in some cases he'd had no choice. None of that made it okay, not on the soul-deep level that Fraser would touch if Ray let him too near. He could never let Fraser see that, could never face the disappointment that would fly across Fraser's face, could never cause Fraser the pain of having to see the newly twisted parts of Ray's soul. 

But he couldn't take back the past. Armando was a part of him, and that scared Ray. He didn't like that part, and most of all didn't want that part to ever touch Fraser. And Fraser would know, would get inside him the way he had before. They couldn't go back, and forward...Ray still wasn't sure what forward meant.

"So what's the deal with you and Kowalski?"

This close, Fraser couldn't hide the tension that came to his body at the question. "What do you mean, Ray?"

"C'mon, Benny, you're supposed to be the smart one. You and Stanley \- how come you were all desperate in love with me and couldn't ever say it, but I come back and you two are practically living together?" 

Fraser turned over so he could look Ray in the face. "I was lonely. He can be very compelling, when he wants to be. I told him - it may have been inappropriate, but I told him that I was in love with you."

"Oh, you could tell him, but not me? That makes a lot of sense, Fraser."

"He asked - he's very big on sharing. Somehow, one thing led to another. I didn't even realize - he didn't tell me until much later that he was...that you two had...." 

"Yeah." Ray knew where Fraser was going with that. That brief relationship that had been ended as abruptly as it had been begun, and Ray could still clearly remember how much it had hurt Kowalski at the time. All right, so maybe Ray Vecchio hadn't been much of a prince before Armando either. He wondered if Kowalski still remembered, still thought about it - just one more of the many reasons Kowalski had to be less than thrilled to see the Real Ray Vecchio back in town.

But maybe, if he kept his happy thoughts and played his cards right, this wouldn't turn out as badly for Stanley Kowalski as the kid seemed to be afraid it was going to. "It's okay, Benny. I don't mind."

"I had no idea when - if I'd see you again. If I'd known-"

"What? You woulda' waited? Come on, Fraser, that's just crazy. No reason to make yourself miserable for some grand romantic gesture." A slightly hypocritical statement, considering the thoughts going through Ray's head, but basically true. Ray didn't want to be responsible for any unhappiness on Fraser's part, no matter what the reason. "I wouldn't have been any happier in Vegas knowing you were pining after me."

Ray leaned forward enough to kiss Fraser deeply. He understood - knew what he had to do. This was an interlude, maybe even a reward, but it could never be what it once might have been. He'd known that for a while now, suspected it for longer, but the knowledge had been cemented by the bullet that had killed an innocent man, fired by his hand. Things had changed; he had changed.

As hard as he tried, as much as he wanted to, he could never go back to being the old Ray Vecchio. He was still pretty unsure of what it meant to be the new Ray Vecchio. What he did know was that he was going to protect Fraser, let him stay safe and happy in that Benton Fraser dream world where all your friends were just good and all the bad guys were just evil and never the two would cross. What Fraser didn't know couldn't hurt him. When this was over, they would talk. Ray would tell the Mountie he needed some time to himself. Judging from the daggers that had been shooting in his direction from Kowalski's glares, the kid would do his part to pull Fraser back away from Vecchio. They'd probably be very happy together, two shining white knights clinging desperately to their shields against an imperfect world. Naive idiots maybe, but Ray's naive idiots all the same. 

Later, they would talk. Now, he pulled Fraser closer, needing not to waste a single moment of their time together. "I love you too, Benny."

He could feel Fraser's smile spread against his lips. "Thank you kindly, Ray." Fraser's tongue worked against Ray's - anxious tension combined with years of frustration, and it seemed that all Fraser's energy wasn't spent yet. Which was just fine with Ray. "Won't it be wonderful, with you home in Chicago, we can-"

Ray pressed his lips harder against Fraser's, cutting off his words. "Let's not think about that now. We got stuff we gotta do, and I don't want either of us distracted with anything that's not right now. You get me?"

"Understood, Ray."

"I don't want you to be making any snap decisions about us or you and Kowalski or anything. Not till you've had a chance to think about it."

Fraser pulled back; his face had that thoughtful look that usually meant Ray's life was about to get complicated. "I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you mean by that."

"Just that you two are pretty good together, Benny. I want you - hold on - we weren't going to discuss this now."

"You brought it up. I was only-"

Ray pushed Fraser over onto his back, kissing the Mountie ravenously. Now was not the time to talk about it. Right now was his time with Fraser, and he wasn't sharing it with anyone. Fortunately, Fraser seemed content to respond to the kiss and let the conversation go. Ray took it as a sign from God that he'd gotten Fraser to stop talking - although a sign of what he still wasn't sure. And didn't care. At this moment, all he could really care about - think about was the feel of Fraser's mouth, his body, the erection that was rising once more in answer to Ray's demands.

Now Fraser seemed to be tasting him in earnest, trailing his tongue along Ray's jawline, up the sensitive skin behind his ear, back down his neck. "Benny...." Ray's eyelids fluttered closed as Fraser's lips brushed lightly across, then fastened his lips to the curve of Ray's cheek. His skin warmed under Fraser's moan as his fingers brushed lightly up the shaft of Fraser's cock.

Fraser moved lower, orally exploring his way across Ray's chest, lingering on spots that made Ray catch his breath. Ray's hands were taking their own journey of discovery, following the perfect curve of the muscle that ran from shoulder to neck, tracing down the solid shoulder blade, sliding over Fraser's solid, muscular ass. He pulled Fraser's thigh up, stroked it as the Mountie alternated his attention between Ray's nipples. 

As Fraser slid lower, Ray kept a hold of his leg, letting his fingers brush teasingly against Fraser's balls. Fraser's tongue dipped into the crease of flesh at the top of Ray's thigh. "Benny...yes, Benny." With long strokes, Fraser lapped at the still sticky spots on Ray's stomach, before moving down to bite at the soft flesh at Ray's side.

He wrapped his fingers around Fraser's erection as Fraser's mouth took in Ray's own, coordinating his strokes with long, slow thrusts into Fraser's mouth. The exquisite feel of Fraser's tongue wrapped around his cock drove Ray faster, his teeth clenched around a moan. Fraser's hips were also moving, working in time with Ray's, their bodies forming a rhythm together. 

The fingers of Ray's free hand dug into Fraser's shoulder as his senses exploded into a climax. Fraser seemed to relish the taste as he swallowed, licking stray drops off Ray's thighs. Ray stroked faster, enjoying every small hitch of breath that came from Fraser. "Come on, Benny, come on. Let go for me." Fraser's eyes were squeezed shut; he was curled over Ray, teeth leaving indentations on his lips.

"Benny, my Benny. My gorgeous Benny. Mine."

"Always, Ray," Fraser whispered. Beads of sweat were forming around the line of his hair, and Ray couldn't remember Fraser ever looking more perfect. He slid his index finger into Fraser's mouth, grinning as Fraser sucked hungrily at it, stroking it with his tongue. The finger was then pushed carefully into Fraser's ass. 

This added stimulation was enough to push Fraser over the edge. His arms locked around Ray's hips; his face pressed against Ray's thigh as he came, then he relaxed all but his tight hold on Ray. 

An errant glance at the clock reminded Ray of just how precious their time here was. Much as he hated the thought of moving, of ending this perfect moment, they had work that needed doing. "C'mon, Benny. We need to get up."

"Of course, Ray." Once again, cool and professional, the Fraser Ray knew so well. "I should return to the consulate and dress."

"Sure. Meet you back at the station." Ray watched as Fraser gathered his clothes, dressing with quick efficiency. "Love you, Benny."

"And I you, Ray." Leaning over, Fraser gave Ray one last deep, searching kiss, dragging Ray's breath with it. "See you soon."

From the desk of Det. Ray Vecchio, 7:35 am:

Don't know where Fraser went - don't wanna know. Might have gone back to the consulate. Doubt it. Probably with *him*. Hate him. Taking away my Fraser. Guess I took his Fraser. 

Bet he's there, with Vecchio. Didn't even tell me he was going. Hate him too. Fine. He can just leave me like that if he wants. Don't care. Don't care at all. 

How can he do that to me? How can he? How can he how can he? Both of 'em. Not like I didn't risk my life trying to keep Vecchio's name intact while he was gone. Do I get any thanks for that? Oh no. Says I look like a bag lady. Bastard.

Well I don't care. Don't. 

Wish Fraser were here. Wish....

No, don't care. 

From the back office in the Canadian Consulate, 07:43:

Once more into the breach, together again. Even the seriousness of the Muldoon situation can't dim the thrill of being with you. Ray, my Ray. To have you back, beside me. Together again. 

I have to focus. There will be time for us, plenty of time. Now I have to concentrate on Muldoon. Finish what Dad started. 

And then there will be time.

From the shower of the Vecchio house, 7:46 am:

Clean. I feel clean - cleansed. I'm ready now; I'm okay. I can let him go. Everything, everything I wanted to say to him - the important stuff, at least - it's all be said, and I feel good. Told him I love him. I do. But I'd be no good for him. I know that. Can't get around it. 

My Benny. Always my friend, my best friend, but he'd be better off *with* someone else. And that's okay. I feel okay. 

Seeing him again brings it all back, the good and the bad, and I know this is okay. Even if he doesn't see it now, he will. Smart guy, my Benny. He'll see as well as me this is the only way, the best way. Glad we had our night together - we both needed that, but I can see how it has to be.

So one last time, I get to be Armando Langoustini. One more time, and then we'll see. We'll see what happens. See where things go. Still too much that could happen, too many variables. And nothing ever goes the way it's supposed to with Fraser around. 

We'll see. Love you, Benny. I'll always love you. And that's why I gotta let you go.


End file.
